


You, My Dear

by linghu



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Body Image, Gen, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25053649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linghu/pseuds/linghu
Summary: You need to walk alone through the mist, but we are here waiting for you on the other side.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	You, My Dear

**Author's Note:**

> This will be the first piece I have ever written. From all the clips and works done by others on VerKwan, I feel like it's time to gather my thoughts together and well, express them. I try to make it as realistic and maybe raw as possible, but of course I'm unable to do so. Only one side of them is shown to us audience, so I can only gather bits and pieces of information to sum up this work.  
> I'm just putting this out there, and please feel free to give me any feedback!

Seungkwan always wished he was not as sensitive as he was.

It’s not something he was able to control, he can feel people’s emotions easily, and overthink them too much.

When his inferiority complex was added to that equation, the sum was not the best picture out there.

Every time he looked at himself in the mirror, right after he got up in the morning, he simply stared at his face for way too long.

 _How could my nose is not sharper, my mouse is way too small. And then - cheekbones,_ ah cheekbones, they were that only feature making Seungkwan look puffy, although his physique was skinny enough. They were the reasons people called him fat.

Seungkwan hated his cheekbones, sometimes when he got too upset he harshly squeezed his cheeks together.

_What if my face was perfect?_

He tried to look into the mirror with his palms covering the disappointing outline, deceiving himself that he, in fact, had the potential to be perfect.

But in the end, all of these were meaningless and even stupid. It made Seungkwan hate himself even more.

Ever since they debuted, Seungkwan knew, every time, there were always just a couple of comments mixed in the praises he got, saying he was unworthy because of his looks, and he was too fat to become an idol. He didn’t understand what he should do, dieting and exercising had he not been used to already.

He sulkily thought about the famous quote by Minghao: _Only the pillow knew I cried._

He only felt sympathy when he first heard it, but now he can actually emphasize, ironically.

Members all knew about this; as much as he tried to hide it, 7 years of living together was not for waste. Seventeen truly deserve the name of “the kings of synchronization”, at this point, each member can tell who was coming by just by the footsteps; from a frown on someone’s face, they can guess what they were thinking.

Among all, Hansol and Seungkwan knew each other the best.

The relationship between him and Seungkwan was...complicated, but yet simple. They immediately became close friends the second they entered the company. Their personalities were drastically different, maybe that’s how they got along so well.

When Seungkwan was loud, the bubble Hansol often put himself in had the best soundproof. When Hansol couldn’t put up with Seungkwan anymore, he bickered back at him, Seungkwan then became even louder.

 _“Frienemy.”_ Mingyu concluded with just one word.

They cuddled together after practices, they cried together when they got cramps all over their body for overusing their muscles too much, and when preparing before performances, they never said “fighting” out loud, but instead they held each other’s hands tightly, they squeezed their fingers together so hard that the knuckles turned white.

Seungkwan always quietly stared at Hansol’s profile, then Hansol turned his eyes to Seungkwan, not being surprised, returned with a gummy smile.

Hansol was Seungkwan’s only condolence at that time. Yet Seungkwan was Hansol’s sun.

They were each other’s closest friend in the group.

On Seungkwan’s self-image issue, more than once had Hansol come to him in private, saying he must be more confident in himself, and he was beautiful the way he was. Seungkwan just whispered, “Yes Hansolie” under his breath, and lowered his head like a student being caught right on the spot by the teacher. Hansol would just sigh, and give in for him.

Obviously, the problem was still not resolved.

———————————————————————————————

As the pair was growing up, Hansol became more concealed, he became more sedate and decorous. Living in the Korean entertainment circle made him realize in order to make oneself comfortable, they needed to have a sense of who they were, there had to be bottom lines drawn, so they wouldn’t get lost in the deep musty pond of self-righteousness and vanity piled up by fans’ compliments and juniors’ awe. Whenever he had that one slit of free time, he went to his phone and studied, from K-pop to classical, from country to Indie. He always carried around his equipment ready to make music anytime. Jihoon looked at him approvingly, and gave him a pat in the back as support.

As to Seungkwan, he had a beautiful voice. No matter how hard the haters criticized him, they all silently acknowledged this fact, and not once did they dare to mention this in the hate comments. Seventeen’s other main vocal Seokmin admitted Seungkwan’s talents genuinely, Jun was touched by the emotions he poured into his songs, and their team depended on him for those high notes (and Seokmin of course).

Seungkwan was thankful for his voice, more than once he thought without his voice he would be nothing.

And that scared him.

We can now explain perfectly how he became an entertainer then. Seungkwan’s sensitivity made him a great entertainer for taking care of everyone and knew when to joke when to laugh. No one in this entertainer circle cared, or well, successfully managed the “perfect” body and face. Seungkwan can be comfortable here, he was the self-proclaimed most attractive and charming MC.

But meanwhile, his lips became numb for fake smiling too much and then this emptiness always managed to fill his lungs completely when he finally was away from the loudness.

Seungkwan became more restless, he felt anxious and upset more often, he was seen fidgeting around in their dorm while biting his thumb, going around in circles, until someone finally pulled him to sit down.

———————————————————————————————

It was one of their scheduled broadcast promotions, Seungkwan, as always, was assigned to be the MC of their group. Standing in the centre with everyone’s gaze rested upon him, he felt responsibility was once again piling up on his shoulders.

Hansol was standing right next to him on the left, like he always did. They were standing so close from being on a small stage. Seungkwan could feel Hansol’s presence, he could feel Hansol staring at him, it made him want to show himself more; but at the same time; he was getting more embarrassed when he was reading off the cringy scripted lines inside his hands.

Seungkwan forced himself to not look into Hansol’s eye, so he wouldn’t see the judgment, or maybe concern, or even pity inside.

As Hansol became more quiet when he was growing up, those dazingly eyes carried what he wanted to say clearly and precisely. His eye color was as transparent as water, but as thick as honey. When light reflected on his eyes, they looked like two burning suns. So bright and blazing, made people - Seungkwan feel small and ashamed of themselves. And maybe there’s more to it, but the former feelings completely overtook his mind instead of his suddenly sped up heartbeats.

Seungkwan talked facing to his right side most of the time - where Seokmin and Soonyoung were. As frustrating as it seemed that Soonyoung _always_ loved to bicker with Seungkwan, Seungkwan felt more confident goofing around on stage with him. Probably because they were equally loud, it’s not that Soonyoung was not sensitive, but usually people tend to listen less when they talk.

When Seventeen was showcasing their newly released singles in front of the cameras, Seungkwan finally took a break from fidgeting to steer the interview to the right and only direction. His gaze just involuntarily shot up to Hansol, Hansol was looking into the camera and beaming.

Seungkwan’s singing paused, but without notice, he picked up again, with the usual facade he smiled at the camera.

Everything went according to the plan, it’s ok, everything was perfect.

————————————————————————————————————————

No everything was not perfect.

Later at night, Seungkwan sat on the edge of his bunk bed in his room, fingers interlocked and was staring into the distance.

 _Fuck it,_ he thought, _I need to get out of here._

On the way to the living room, he realized Minghao’s room was open, with Minghao lying on his bed, reading a book he newly picked up, while Liszt’s La Campanella in G-sharp Minor playing in the background.

It’s not that Minghao read fast, nor does he read anything “deep”. He enjoyed reading stories, stories of humans, stories of animals; stories of celebrities, or stories of commoners.

He always brought a book with him no matter where he went, it’s like he had a special spot in his handbag, or handbag-s just for books, members never understood how come he never lost them.

Seungkwan stopped at the doorstep, pouting and called out in a weak voice, “Minghao Hyung...”

Minghao slowly answered with a “hum?” while eyes still fixed on the page.

Seungkwan then stepped into Minghao’s room, quietly closed the door behind him. He sat on the soft rug beside the wine bottles Minghao collected, and leaned his body on Minghao’s nightstand.

“Minghao hyung, how could you always be so calm?” Seungkwan whispered loud enough to let Minghao hear his words but not startle him.

Minghao finally looked up from his book, he gave Seungkwan a confused glimpse over his glasses, and said,

“Because I let myself to.”

Seungkwan was fiddling with the lamp switch, not saying anything.

After a moment of silence, Minghao realized something was wrong.

“What’s going on Seungkwan, you ok?”

“...

“No, I don’t think so...”

Minghao closed his book and sat up, Seungkwan even had the time to think “OMG what, I am important than Minghao’s book, no way.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Seungkwan looked into Minghao’s eyes then turned away, he said, "I mean, Minghao hyung, you know I have...um like that self-esteem issue right.”

Minghao nodded with a frown.

“Well, you also know that I kind of get anxious and restless easily ever since our debut right?”

Minghao nodded again.

“How do I like, not.”

“Um....”

After a pause, Minghao asked Seungkwan, “Do you want to hear the long answer or the short answer?”

Before Seungkwan replied, he continued, “You are definitely tired of people saying ‘Oh just take a deep breath, you will be ok.’ or ‘Seungkwan you are an amazing singer, don’t care about what they say.’ Those are the short answers”.

“...Yeah I guess.”

“I feel like you should listen to my long answer then.

Oh well long answer it is.”

Seungkwan laughed, and waited for Minghao to continue.

“I think our life is divided into sections”, Minghao spoke while staring at his latest abstract painting on the wall, “those sections are not the same size, some are bigger and some are smaller. The bigger ones are which we spend our energy more on, that are more important to us than the rest.

“I used to think showing myself in front of the camera as much as possible was what I should get myself to be good at. I spent hours after hours and days after days thinking what I should say, and I was constantly afraid of ‘failing’

“After every single variety show, I came home cringing over the things I said, and kept blaming myself. I thought those few lines of words were a big deal.

“But then at the end of 2017, there was like a moment of epiphany. I still remember what happened.

"I was walking in the park and saw a girl learning to skateboard. I believe she was in her 20s.

“She got tripped over, well she fell.

“The skateboard was going really fast so she was definitely injured pretty badly, she tumbled on the ground and she laid there for a couple seconds.

“Before anyone could ask her ’are you ok’, she just stumbled up back on her feet. With a side of her thighs bleeding.

“It seemed like she didn’t care about that wound, you know? She didn’t cry or scream, she just stood up nonchalantly and picked up her skateboard. Then she left”, Minghao blinked,

“The next day when I was in that park at the same location, I saw that girl again.”

Seungkwan was listening tentatively.

“She had bandages wrapped around her legs, but she was trying just as hard as she wasn’t injured.

“And then I thought, ‘Oh, I guess she just didn’t care about her wounds.’

“Maybe her wounds were just not the “bigger” sections in her life.

“At that instant, I realized what I was fussing over wasn’t a big deal at all, just like the girl, the important thing for her was to learn how to skateboard successfully. For me, the important thing was and still is to create my work, music, or dance.

“I want to make art, I want to get up onto the stage. Not just pure singing, dancing, or rapping; I want to showcase everyone a complete performance.” Minghao’s eyes beamed with excitement and pride when he was saying this.

“Variety shows were just a side-dish. They give me more popularity, but that’s not what my goals were.

“There will be ‘wounds’ along the way I walk, but they won’t stop me. They hurt me for a while, but after that, they go away.

“So I guess I found my ‘inner-peace’, my calmness. Being stuck in the fog for long enough, at that moment I finally knew what I wanted.

“This is not a war Seungkwan, the way to become an artist is not a war, there’s nothing that we need to “fight” against, we just need to overcome some seemingly big obstacles along the way.

“But as long as we know what we want, we know what those big sections are; for those obstacles, my dear Seungkwan”, Minghao continued while reaching over to caress Seungkwan’s cheeks, “there’s no need to be terrified. You have yourself, you have your Seventeen, you have us.

“You are not alone, we are in this together.” Then he leaned back, “So all the above sums up to the answer. I guess that’s why you think I am calm.”

Seungkwan stared into the distance. Silence filled the room again, this time, neither of the two wanted or even attempted to break it.

Finally, Seungkwan let out a muffled laugh, “I can’t believe that I, as someone who always gives advice to people, and you, the quiet person, this time it’s the other way around.”

The corner of Minghao’s lips slightly raised, “Well, you never know do you.”

Seungkwan stood up, and he let out a genuine smile everyone missed for weeks, “thanks Minghao Hyung, I will mull over it.”

As he was stepping out of Minghao’s room,

“Seungkwan,”

Minghao called out quietly.

“You should go talk to Hansol.

“In the end, you guys are the closest, I think it will help.”

Seungkwan pursed his lips together at the thought of Hansol, but he looked back at Minghao’s serious yet mixed with a bit of teasing face,

“I guess I should.”

————————————————————————————————————————

It was finally one of the few days Seventeen took a break. Chan and Seungcheol and a bunch of other friends went out somewhere to drink, Jihoon...was definitely in his studio, Minghao sneaked out with Jun soundlessly, maybe went to meet their other Chinese friends. Other members were probably on the 6th floor hanging out together. It was just Seungkwan in their dorm on the 8th floor.

Um… it was the case until a certain Hansol Vernon Chwe walked out of his room in his silvery silky pajamas.

Hansol was rubbing his eyes with his palm, the silver watch was reflecting the lights in the living room, and the whatever weird hipster necklace it was was dangling from his neck.

It was quite a sight, with Hansol’s newly dyed silver hair, everything on him was silvery white.

The silvery Hansol wandered to the sink in the kitchen with half-opened eyes, picked up his mug, and just was planning on drinking his tea, until he saw Seungkwan was staring at him from across the room. He immediately spit out his tea.

“Ah Seungkwan...what are you doing there on the couch??” When Hansol finally managed to regain his composure, he asked with a confused tone.

“Hansol. I need to talk to you.”

Hansol sat down right beside Seungkwan, leaving his mug at the counter. Thigh to thigh, but this time, Seungkwan’s hand didn’t go to soothe Hansol’s messed up hair, he didn’t mumble, ‘You are an idol Hansol, watch your image sometimes...’ It was such a natural thing to do for both of them, Seungkwan instinctively was lifting his hand until he realized this was supposed to be a serious conversation.

He pulled away from Hansol, Hansol noticed his shift but resisted himself from saying anything.

“Hansol, I talked with Minghao the other day.”

Ok, that’s an interesting start.

“I asked him how to be calm, and like you know, not be too stressed or anxious.”

Hansol looked at Seungkwan in surprise, while Seungkwan continued,

“And then the conversation kind of also touched on how I shouldn’t be too self-conscious. Although Minghao didn’t explicitly say it, I could feel it.

“I thought about it, and I think he was right, you know. It really made me feel a lot better.

“But I guess my issues have been there for long enough, that can’t be solved with just a few words.

“And Minghao asked me to talk to you,” Seungkwan looked up to see what Hansol’s expression was, but soon dodged away his glance because Hansol was staring into him, just like he always was.

But this time, Seungkwan didn’t feel ashamed, although weirdly enough he was exposing all his vulnerabilities to Hansol.

“So I thought...I should.” Seungkwan finished his sentences while staring down at the floor. He never noticed how the dull white tiles were actually not bad looking until today.

“Seungkwan.”

Hansol spoke up with his usual gentle husky voice, he was still gazing in Seungkwan attentively like he was the only thing in Hansol’s world right now.

“First I have to apologize for yelling at you before, saying the ‘why do you keep saying sorry’ and ‘why aren’t you more confident.’”

Seungkwan winced from recalling that chaotic scene.

“I should have talked with you instead of yelling. You are such a sensitive person, I should have done better than what I did. It must have hurt your feelings.”

Seungkwan mumbled an inaudible “it’s ok”. Hansol continued,

“For having enough courage to choose to do what you love, to sing, without knowing whether we were able to succeed. That’s strength and courage, you didn’t choose anything else that could guarantee you maybe a better, stable future. Seungkwan, not many people can do this.

“For those hypocrites online, you have all the rights to laugh at their face for bullshitting about you, they live a miserable life without love and that’s why they are unable to give out any. They only know how to type out disgusting comments behind the screen, they are cowards, without accomplishing anything themselves.

“You are way better than them my Seungkwan, you don’t need to lower your standards to fuss over what they say.” Hansol usually didn’t talk that much, but this time he got emotional.

“Seungkwan, I...I love you so much, I want you to be happy” Hansol’s ears turned into tomato red but he managed to say it out loud firmly. Seungkwan’s eyes turned wide from the sudden confession.

“You have a beautiful voice, you are a wonderful singer Seungkwan. Your voice made my day brighten up ever since we met. So...you don’t need to try so hard to make people laugh, you don’t need to be a comedian if you don’t want to.

“You are beautiful the way you are Seungkwan.

“It broke my heart seeing you trying to hide your sadness in front of the camera these days. Seungkwan, you don’t need to try that hard.” Hansol said this with a frown.

“And I’m glad we are actually talking again after so long, I think you have been avoiding me.” Hansol pursed his lips together.

Right at that moment, Seungkwan burst out crying. Often times, he cried with no sound, only transparent liquid escaping his eyes and streaming down his face, feared that someone would hear him and pity him, but this time, he was crying his heart out.

It didn’t sound pretty, but they didn't care, both Hansol and Seungkwan felt a sense of relief. It’s like all the burdens weighed on top of Seungkwan’s shoulders were pouring out along with his tears.

Seungkwan buried his face over Hansol’s nape, while Hansol gave Seungkwan a tight hug.

The scene was emotional and sad, but yet, there was a layer of peace covered on top of them. It was like they were supposed to be this close, they were supposed to be embracing each other.

The door at the living room quietly closed without a noise, members left with a relieved sigh.

The room was left for the couple, and Seungkwan was finally calm again.

**Author's Note:**

> As I have noticed, Seungkwan and most members suffer from various mental health issues, The Kpop culture is to cover up and ignore. I was so glad that Seungcheol took his time to rest, I wish things will be brighter for him. And with this initiative, I hope the rest of the members can feel better about speaking out their own issues as well.  
> As you may notice, English is not my first language, and it upsets me when I read over what I wrote because I was unable to express more of what I felt, I'm definitely trying to improve, so do give me feedbacks as well! And maybe I will be able to do a Chinese translation of my work in the future (no promise lol).  
> It will be very self-presumptuous to think my work can influence anyone, so I will just say I'm putting this out there to, I guess, show at this time I wholeheartedly love these thirteen boys, and genuinely wish them the very best.


End file.
